Attaboy

When I was a kid my school brought a violinist into school to talk to the music classes. She was a lovely lady, young and slight of frame – and beautiful. We sat on the carpeted floor looking up at her as she played the most beautiful music I had ever hear from her gorgeous violin. Of course after that everyone wanted to be violinist. One of my classmates was able to convince her parents to let her take up violin (though she didn’t stick with it), but the instrument was so expensive and I was just 8 or 9 so I knew asking for something that privileged was out of the question. Still, that memory stuck with me. My mother would take us to symphony orchestras on occasion as a kid and I would marvel at the rows of people and their gorgeous instruments.

I have always LOVED string instruments…. There is something about playing any instrument and the vibration of the sound as it spreads through my limbs and into my chest that is so pure and in tune with some elemental form of life – do you know what I mean?

When I hear the song Attaboy by Yo-Yo Ma, Stuart Duncan, Edgar Meyer & Chris Thileand, and the violin sings for the first time I get chills. Then when the cello breaks in I become covered in head-to-toe goosebumps. Their passion is something that gives me a stupefied grin across my face and brings awe-filled wonder to my eyes. It is such a treat.

THIS is joy! I want that kind of joy in my life!

The song Attaboy is part of the musicians’ amazing album, The Goat Rodeo Sessions. Bathing in its musical energy uplifts me every morning I ride the bus to work. I hope it will bring you some comparable feeling of delight.

A life without a list…

How does one live a balanced life? How does one live a perfect life?

One doesn’t.

I’ve tried to be balanced and “do it all” and it hasn’t worked. I don’t even have kids. Could you imagine trying to pull that off with kids!?? Ha!

This is what I was trying to do in “perfect” balance:

  • Work a full-time day job, and also be a highly productive artist.
  • Submit to every possible exhibition and show my work as much as possible.
  • Maintain an active online presence.
  • Be active in other art pursuits: curating, volunteerism, artist talks, and so on.
  • Maintain this blog.
  • Maintain social relationships both online, in NY, and with my loved ones in Iowa and other states.
  • Be a great wife.
  • Keep a pleasant home, keep up with chores.
  • Cook healthy meals.
  • Exercise or do yoga as much as possible.
  • Keep up with four magazine subscriptions and read online articles, blogs, books, and keep up with over eight weekly or daily podcasts, including the news.
  • Save money and be thrifty.

And this is how I tried to pull it off: lists.

My pile of lists….

The list would never end. As soon as I crossed something off there was something to be added. I would spend too much time re-organizing my lists, re-listing and prioritizing my to-do items. The lists would populate into little reminder slips, bits of paper listing important art project ideas, or new blog topics. Charts organizing my time so I could fit exercise into a regimented schedule would be made over the course of hours, only to be immediately ignored. Databases tracking information on my computer so I don’t possibly forget something that might come of use in the future populate my hard drives. Torn out magazine articles and links emailed to myself pile up on my work spaces, to the point where I spend too much of my time organizing my lists rather than doing my work. I store long-term to-do’s on a separate list app, which is constantly nagging at me while I am inundated with my self-prescribed short-term to-do lists.

Then came the realization: I spend more time trying to manage my time populated by too many tasks, and not enough time doing those tasks. So I keep fewer lists. But it isn’t enough. Because I want to live some fabled “balanced” existence where I can “have it all” and “do it all.” I still feel like I have to choose between desires if I am going to do any of those things well. In my mind, I couldn’t possibly exercise and make art and do both well… or perfectly, which is my mind’s natural expectation. So rather than “fail” (a.k.a. doing something half-assed or doing something “good enough” or “just a bit”) I choose not to do it at all. And in making that choice of “not choosing” I feel even more like a failure. I expect myself to do it all and do it perfectly, and when I can’t pull it off I fail. It’s a lose-lose situation.

I am trying to balance things that don’t give me joy with things that do give me joy. Because I have so many tasks, things that normally give me joy (like making art or visiting friends) become points of stress due to the number of goals I set for myself and my perfectionist nature. My mind prioritizes the less joyful tasks because they give me hard-copy evidence that I am “worth” something. I don’t enjoy applying to show my work in galleries. But I do it, because I like to show my art and because that is a physical accomplishment that can be measured by myself and others. Doing yoga? Even though my body loves and desperately needs it? Well. That is a sensation. My mind doesn’t trust sensations. Because after all – sensations cannot be measured by others to determine my worth. So I forgo the physical nurturing of exercise and force myself to sit in front of a computer and be an “achiever.” See how this works?

I took an R & R day at Kripalu (a yoga haven in Massachusetts that I now love love LOVE) last month and have since been coming to a very important understanding. I need to feel joy as much as possible. This joy must be self-measured by sensation (emotion and spiritual satisfaction) rather than externally measured by achievement. Constantly working toward some sort of theoretical professional accomplishment won’t bring me joy. It will just be a line I check off on a very long list; a list that never comes to an end. But doing things that bring me joy? Doing things that nurture my body, intellect and spirit? Those are things that make a life worth living.

One of the best lessons I learned that day at Kripalu is that my mind lies to me. If I desperately need to stretch, my mind will ignore that sensation because I need to get that blog done, I need to get that application out, I need to get my list crossed-off. By the end of the day, my mind has created a situation where I no longer have time to do the stretching because my mind tells me I’m too tired. It tells me relaxing in front of the TV or having a brownie will do better than the physical exertion of yoga for my well-being. And because my goal has been to do it all, I feel like a failure since I didn’t get my tasks done quickly enough to have the energy to do yoga too. I do what my mind says because it shows me concrete results of success. Theoretically that should make me feel good, but it never does. It is never enough, because I always must choose, and historically that choice has not been my physical and emotional well-being. (Choosing to live a healthy life is difficult for me – it is “new” and challenging. Naturally, then, I create a reality populated by lists to avoid these needs. Confronting this habit is the scariest of all.)

I’m going to do the best I can, from now on, to choose sensation over thought. I’m choosing to try to be imperfect rather than to be perfect and balanced. I’m choosing to stop pushing myself, to quit driving myself toward my goals so blindly that I forget to live my life with the zeal I desire – the enthusiasm I foolishly believe I will access by accomplishing things, rather than connecting to things. I know now that I will always have to choose. The point is not to attain a life where I don’t have to give up anything. The point is to live a life where I simply choose well. Choose happiness and joy, not reward and prestige. Choose health and wellness, not money and measured accomplishment. Choose joy within the moment, rather than planned events and tasks. Choose improvisation, not regimented structure.

This weekend I have done what sounded good. Normally I would call myself lazy, but I’ve gotten things done. But I haven’t spent the whole weekend in front of the computer, or tethered to my work. This is what I did yesterday: I went to breakfast with my husband and had a great surprise encounter with one of his very cool bosses. We ventured into a bookstore, where I bought a few baby books for some expectant friends of mine. I met a man named Stanley in this store, Market Block Books in Troy, who had the most wonderful mustache and shared a love of bacon with me. He introduced me to an amazing magnet all about bacon – is there anything better?!

Then I wandered with Jake through the market. It was like being in a small town – everyone smiling and friendly, vendors sharing their passions much more than simply selling their wares. We met a man who makes his own pickles – we got the kind with Habanero peppers! Then after a few errands, I returned home and popped in to see my wonderful downstairs neighbor with whom I visited for over an hour. Usually I feel too overwhelmed to make time for visiting, but isn’t that silly? I did some chores and then Jake suggested we walk out on Peebles Island nearby. On a normal weekend I would feel stressed by such an offer, calculating the hours left in the day subtracted from the time the hike would take, but not now. Now I choose my wellness – and walking in a small forest is the epitome of a healthy activity! Here are some pictures from my day:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.


(Somehow my lists are making it into this dumb slideshow – sorry! Lists were not a big part of my stellar day!)

On a normal weekend I might feel pressed for time today, but I don’t. I will simply get done what must be done and the rest can wait. I had a great day. I felt happy, and fulfilled; productive and connected with my community. It was the perfect day and I felt the best version of myself. It’s been a long time since I haven’t felt the fear of failure that results in the lack of achievement. And that is the gift I am trying to give myself now. And the funnest part? I actually got a lot done!

Happy spring, all.

Zach Wahls

Zach Wahls was on the Jon Stewart show last night speaking about his new book “My Two Moms.” (See a clip of his interview-at the end of the video-here) Now, I admit I am a little partial toward this guy for very biased reasons. 1. He is an Iowan (Go Iowa!!!). 2. He is a Hawkeye. (Love my Hawks!) But the most important reason: He stood up for equality in front of the Iowa House Judiciary Committee in 2011 and has been positively contributing to the conversation on marriage equality ever since.


Zach Wahls speech to the Iowa House Judiciary Committee in 2011

Zach was raised by two women. These two women are gay. When Iowa legislators pushed to write discrimination into law by defining marriage as between one man and one woman after gay marriage was legalized in Iowa, Zach Wahls stood up in court to defend his Moms’ rights to be married by law. Addressing how kids raised by gay parents are perceived to be at a disadvantage, Wahls illustrated very clearly how these concerns were illegitimate and unfounded. He is an Engineering student at the University of Iowa (a very tough program), he was an Eagle scout, and he scored in the 99th percentile on his ACTs. By all accounts he is a kind and wonderful person with great values and a good heart. He is definitely one hell of a public speaker. I’d say he’s turned out pretty good – better than many kids who were products of heterosexual parenting households.

Wahls wrote a book to tell the story of how “boring” his upbringing was despite being raised by two women. (Great idea, no?) I haven’t bought his book yet, but reading the preview pages on Amazon gave me chills. His speech in 2011 has repeatedly brought tears to my eyes, so I have no doubt this book will do the same.

You might not agree with my perspective, but nevertheless I hope you will watch these videos, buy his book, check out his website, and -if so inclined-support him on his journey to help the families affected by discriminatory legislation. These people deserve the legal protections (some 1200 of them) that heterosexual couples like myself have. I hope you will agree with me.


Zach Wahls on Ellen after his heartfelt speech to the Iowa legislature.

 

Fun little story

Fun little story that made my week:

I distribute my pamphlets through personal connection. In other words, I don’t send out my stuff randomly or without a request. I like to leave them in businesses I frequent, or in the hands of people I randomly meet.

Apparently the Poo pamphlet wandered into my pal Georgia’s path through one of these random drop off’s. I had left a stack of the brochures in a local liquor store (gotta have my wine!) for people to enjoy. Georgia’s new roomie – who doesn’t know me or my work – found the pamphlet and brought it home to grace their toilet for those bored, reading-prone bathroom moments! Georgia wrote, “So, enjoyed it again the second time within its new context.” How appropriate!

:)

Hope you are having a lovely week!

Worthless degrees

I signed a petition last week, called “Support the Student Loan Forgiveness Act of 2012” and then shared it on my Facebook page. One of the comments drew my attention and incurred a short debate. The commenter wrote: “Can’t do it – Why do people go to college, can’t pay for it, get a degree that’s relatively worthless, take out loans they can’t pay back?

Ignoring the “degree… worthless” part (how many of those “worthless” degrees are responsible for major cultural and commercial contributions?), I argued that many peoples skills and passions do not fall into jobs like I.T. or medical work, but often into jobs that have dried up in this economy. To that the commenter wrote: “Then us tax payers just expect those passionate types to either pay their debts or find a cheap passion. It’s time for folks to be adults – as my grandparents talked about in the Great Depression – and work to not be a burden – [....] not easy but had to put on the big boy pants to live up to my grandparents farming work ethic & independence – I’m an odd duck I know

After I swallowed my irritation at this person’s self-righteous tone (my grandparents – like many – grew up in that era and continued to have tough times through the fifties, and also had that “farming work ethic.” And I am a farm girl. Spent quite a few of my childhood years feeding pigs and cows, thank you very much.), I gave the exchange more thought.

It was the second time that week I had been told some degrees are worthless. Worthless. Art. English. Theater. Music. Worthless? Educating one in the fine arts within academia – to these people – is not as valid as being educated in science, sociology, psychology, or business. One critic said, “You can teach yourself these things. Why go to school?” True, you can teach yourself many things. I hear people teach themselves many things from the internet and books, including how to enact violence. But higher education yields many benefits to those in the fine arts – a community, challenging dialogue and exposure to new ideas, otherwise expensive to own facilities, difficult to access resources, and an intensive environment in which to quickly adapt one’s skills. And one could offer the theory that the more people are placed in fields that use their skills (even if low-income), rather than less-suitable fields with higher incomes, the more healthy society could be overall. Personal happiness can do wonders to alleviate health problems and negative behaviors which often create an undue burden on society. Perhaps these critics might give their words more thought before dismissing an entire facet of cultural production.

My husband made the excellent point that these men were citing the monetary value that medical or engineering fields yield, which enable the student to more quickly pay their debts. On the other hand, most fine arts majors work incredibly hard after their degree, working outside of their “day job” to pursue their work. The student loans don’t wear off so quickly when one is making only $20 or $25 thousand a year while developing themselves professionally in their “free” time.

Found on Facebook

Despite the slim future income earnings for these fields, people still flock to schools to learn about the arts. The value of these fields if calculated solely on income earnings would appear they have no value at all, yet individuals inherently recognize a greater value in cultural production and study. And yet society overall continues to take these cultural contributions for granted, and consistently undervalues their dominating presence in their daily lives. It is maddening to say the least.

Still, I couldn’t deny these negative sentiments came from a legitimate place. Not many are easily inclined to help others who made “bad” choices, though I would never call being educated (and taught to critically think) a bad choice. Maybe they had a point….

But then I remembered bankruptcy. Those individuals who file Chapter 13 bankruptcy may keep their homes and other non-exempt personal assets, despite their poor spending habits. But did you know student loans are not forgiven in bankruptcy? Or what of the woman leading the lawsuit against the Affordable Care Act? She has recently declared bankruptcy. For medical bills. My point here is that a lot of people make a lot of bad choices and are helped out. Maybe not bailed out. But helped nonetheless.

Stafford student loans offer a number of flexible repayment options, but the major problem with student loan debt is that these options often help in the short-term while creating inescapable long-term debt problems. For example, if one cannot pay the standard, or 30-year term, payment, the borrower can apply for income-based repayment. This repayment term, while financially manageable in the short-term (the borrower can afford to eat and live on their income while paying a meager sum to their lender), often creates a bigger economic impact in the future thanks to capitalized interest.  Each month you don’t pay your interest it is added to the principal; you will be forever charged interest upon that interest until your debt is paid. For most low-income borrowers, this means paying double the amount they borrowed. And unlike a home mortgage (which have incredibly low interest rates – lower than student loan rates), the student has no equity. Home owners have something they can sell to pay off that mortgage loan. Student loan borrowers don’t. And these days, the long-term financial advantage of an education yielding a good-paying job is pretty rare.

source of image: http://www.salon.com/2012/03/12/kids_today_still_screwed/

So why should tax payers care? Because this group of borrowers is growing exponentially. Defaulting on loans has increased tremendously. Wages are down. Jobs are non-existent. But interest keeps accruing. Debts continue to climb. And this means fewer consumers. Fewer consumers means lower wages and fewer jobs. It is a vicious cycle. Since America is a strongly consumer-based economy, we are in trouble. These borrowers can’t buy homes – their educational debt totals the cost of a small home in many circumstances. New car? Forget it. Vacations? Nah. Kids? Can we say “social welfare?” 401K? Haha. You’re so funny.

But if we could make these borrowers into active consumers again, we would create more wealth in the economy. Call me simplistic in my thinking (probably am when economics are the subject, sorry), but that would create a greater demand for services, which creates a need for jobs, which enables more people to spend more money and pay more bills!

I wonder if demonizing the student borrower as “lazy” has contributed to some corporate-friendly legislation of years past. The Wall Street Journal calls borrowers on income-based repayment programs “deadbeats.”  The Direct Loan program is criticized for giving loans indiscriminately. Schools are called “corporate-minded youth resorts” by Andrew Hacker and ­Claudia Dreifus in their book “Higher Education?: How ­Colleges Are Wasting Our Money and Failing Our Kids—And What We Can Do About It” (as mentioned in the article “The University Has No Clothes” in New York Magazine). Obviously there is a lot of reform needed on all fronts and blame can be divvied out to the banks, schools, and students.

But if one acknowledges the value of an education – including the liberal arts – and if one acknowledges that a person can work very hard at their goals and job and still come out on the bottom of the income ladder, then there is a very good reason to address student loan interest regardless of who is to blame for all the debt.

Here’s my proposed solution. Don’t forgive the debts. [Even if we wanted to, I doubt that would ever happen in our legislature anyhow (I hear the screams now: Socialism!!!). Fine. After the housing crisis where homeowners were not bailed out, I am sure students will be equally denied.] But since the Fed is loaning out money to banks/lenders with no interest, and the banks are making record profits, maybe the government could do the individual loan borrower a solid. So here goes:

  • Lower the interest rates on all Stafford, Plus, and Perkins loans to 1%. Permanently. For undergraduate and graduate loans. For future borrowers and current borrowers. In this scenario, most people could pay their interest, chip away at the principal and maybe have something left over to be part of our consumer economy. Oh, and there would be fewer defaults, which means less paperwork, and more overall happiness for everyone. And those “deadbeat” borrowers? They would have little excuse to not pay something on their loans, if only the interest payment.
  • Have the government buy up private loan debt at an interest rate of 2%, applying all repayment options available to Stafford loan borrowers to these borrowers. Would this in turn encourage more competitive interest rate offerings through private lenders?
  • Student loan interest will not capitalize into the principal. Ever. Paying interest on interest often means the borrower will double their debt in accrued interest due to a poor economy, rather than pay it off. What might have been viewed as an “incentive” is more like a noose around the borrower’s neck. I wonder if this policy is significantly to blame for borrowers defaulting on loans as their interest on their interest grows year after year.

The “for profit” student loan lending industry is creating a huge probability that in twenty years we will have a student loan bubble collapse greater than that of the housing bubble. With my reconfigured interest model, capitalism is still honored, profits are made. People can still attain a higher education, which is good for the country. Students are still held accountable for their debts 100% but they will actually have a fighting chance in doing so. And the middle-class earners should love this too, because it is more money in their pockets (and their kids’ pockets) too.

It is win-win situation when we lower student loan interest without forgiving the debt. It is a lovely compromise to avoid a future financial disaster. Student loan borrowers (most of us anyway) do not want a hand out. We just want a fighting chance.

Some related links:
Forbes
on defaulting rates
Salon.com on student loan debt
Washington Post
on loans as the next “economic bomb”

Don’t be a d!ck

Source: http://www.itsjustagame.net/2011/04/dont-be-dick.htmlYou might not think this type of language is very “nice” but I’d like to make an exception today. After all, there are a lot of un-nice things going on in the world, and a little foul language is the very least of our problems. What follow is the thesis of my post:

Don’t be a dick.

I’m serious.

Comedian Ben Gleib has created a pledge and he wants you to sign it. We all know about Grover Norquist‘s pledge to never raise taxes. We know about the Pledge of Allegiance to our flag. But I am most in favor of Gleib’s pledge. Why? Gleib’s pledge is all-encompassing.There are a lot of dicks in the world, and I’m not talking anatomy here.

Every person has the potential to be a “dick.” Each of us has been one; I’m the first to admit it. Guilty as charged.

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if people stopped being dicks? I think so. As Gleib puts it, “A lot of the world’s problems could be solved if we all agreed to stop being dicks. From stealing someone’s parking spot, to starting wars, someone deciding to act like a dick is always what caused it.”

I have to agree. People put their needs and motivations constantly above consideration for others. It creates a culture of self-serving egoism that promotes insensitivity, abuse, and crime. Internationally there are massacres in Syria, horrific crimes against humanity in the Congo, political strife in Sudan, poor labor conditions in China. In America, we hear endlessly about corporate bailouts, oppression of women’s reproductive rights, religious freedom issues, denial of civilian rights to protest, politicizing what happens in the bedroom, and more. There’s a lot of dickishness going on here, people. And it’s getting OLD.

Gleib writes,

We all have the right to be free. We all have the right to believe what we want, say what we want, and do what we want… Only under one, very obvious condition: As long as what we do, say, and want does not hurt others. Does not take advantage of someone else, or cause them to be left with less than their fair share. It’s simply the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” And if you don’t follow the Golden Rule, you’re a dick.

So. Don’t be a dick. Pretty simple. Sign the pledge. Share it with your friends.

The silence between the sounds

I have a habit of holding myself to unrealistic expectations, and a knack for undervaluing my emotions. Many of my concerns center around commitments, fulfillment, and purpose. I am trying to bring my goal of helping others to become my career, but in my fervent desire to achieve these goals I tend to become overextended. I take on too many projects, I neglect my health, and I ignore my emotional needs.

How does one balance commitments so one has time for wellness? How does one find fulfillment in a less-than-satisfying occupation and in one’s non-work commitments? How does a person maintain a momentum toward one’s dreams while staying rooted in the present? And how do we do all this without completely exhausting ourselves before we get there?

One of my random pictures... makes me think of seemingly insurmountable feats....

Viral Mehta, co-founder of Charityfocus.org and Servicespace.org, sums up this dilemma – and its solution – in his article “Lessons in Living on the Edge From Mahatma Gandhi.”  Mehta’s article reminded me of the importance of paying attention to the pauses in my life. I take a breath when I do yoga, but in my day-to-day activities I tend to power through – a slave to my to-do list. Project after project, goal upon goal I pursue my dream. I am exhausting myself trying to get there. I was forced to take a break yesterday – my body had insisted that I relax by making me sick. But it should not take a cold to make me to relax.

Mehta writes,

Our rational minds want to ensure progress, but our intuitive minds need space for the emergent, unknown and unplanned to arise…. When we aren’t aware internally, we get so vested in our plans and actions, that we don’t notice the buildup of mental residue. So the momentum of “forward-thinking doing” continues in the mind. In that kind of state, even nature’s imposed breaks aren’t restful: we have trouble falling asleep, or even resting soundly. The mind just doesn’t relax.

Forward-thinking doing. That seems to be all I do. That “mental residue” of which Mehta speaks is exactly what had worn me down and sapped my spirit and energy. I am reminded by his article to take brief pauses in my life, to appreciate the moments in-between tasks and projects. I am determined to create those places of rest where I haven’t allowed myself the luxury.

I know I recommend articles fairly often, but this one is on the top of my list. I hope you will read it.